


Not a Main Character

by Sarah1281



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Character Bashing, I wrote this like seven years ago, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:58:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shortly after Cally dies, the Main Characters call a meeting to discuss why Tory is, in fact, not a Main Character and never will be and end up speculating on the Final Cylon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Main Character

"Did you have any problems getting away?" Admiral Adama asked.

"No, I just said I needed to angst about being a Cylon," the Chief said.

Adama nodded. "Good. Now, as I'm sure you've realized, this is getting serious. It was one thing when Tory became one of the Final Five and started stealing everyone's screen time. That was irksome, but we could handle it."

"Where is Tory, anyway?" Roslin asked. "I need her to write a speech for me to explain why Captain Thrace attempted to kill me and is then immediately granted exactly what she wanted in the first place."

Adama shrugged. "What can I say? It brought me back to the good old days when none of us had ever heard of Tory, Sam was still stranded on Caprica and wasn't obsessed with Kara, Dee was dating Billy, there was a high chance Kara could actually become my daughter-in-law, I was leading a coup-"

"Hey!" Roslin interrupted. "Don't tell me you have fond memories of throwing me in the brig!"

Adama quickly contacted the Demetrius. "Oh look, it's Kara."

"Galactica, this is the Demetrius," Gaeta announced.

"We read you, Demetrius," Dee said. "You ready for the meeting?"

"Of course. What is Tory doing while we're conspiring against her?"

Tigh rolled his eyes. "Frakking Baltar, what else?"

"Does she actually do anything other than that and talk about how she's a Cylon?" Starbuck asked. "I mean, I at least switch things up every once and awhile."

"Yes, actually, she has and that is why I've called this meeting," Adama said quietly. "Tory, in her quest to become a main character, has killed Cally."

"That Frakking toaster killed my wife!" growled Tyrol, not realizing just how apt that title was.

"Aren't you a toaster, too?" Lee asked.

"No," came the prompt reply.

"But I thought-"

"I'm a microwave," the Chief said proudly.

"Alright then," Adama said, shaking his head. "The point is that Tory is not a main character and will never BE a main character, no matter how many main characters she kills."

"Was Cally a main character, though?" Athena asked. "I mean, yes she killed Boomer, but if that's not a qualification…"

"Of course she's a main character," snapped Starbuck.

"Since when?" Athena wanted to know.

"Since she bit that guy's ear off when she was held captive by those terrorists," Starbuck replied.

"So if Tory were to bite someone's ear off, that would mean-" Athena began.

"She's just copying Cally, and therefore even less of a main character than before," Starbuck answered.

"You're all just annoyed she's stealing all your screen time," Helo told them.

Tigh slammed his fist on the table. "Of course we're annoyed! There are so many characters that some of us barely get any screen time at all, even without the original seven Cylons hijacking our time."

"Everyone knows that a REAL main character doesn't need screen time," Starbuck announced. "Gods know I didn't have any for the last four episodes of last season."

"Because you were supposed to be dead," Sam explained.

"Which is the only reason I'm not killing you for frakking Tory while I was gone."

"Hey, who hasn't Tory tried to sleep with?" Sam asked.

"SO not the point. And someone, despite my lack of screen time, my main character status was never in question," Starbuck said smugly.

"Because you'd kill anyone who dared challenge you," Sam muttered.

"I don't see what's so important about being a Cylon," Lee said suddenly. "I mean, they're exactly the same as we are, even down to their DNA. The only difference is that they can't get each other pregnant, but there are plenty of infertile couples out there, and they have super strength. If there aren't any Resurrection Ships around and you always make sure to travel with a switchblade, there isn't any difference."

"Not everyone is so paranoid as to travel armed, Apollo," Helo said tentatively.

"Hey, if you were Baltar's lawyer, you'd want a sharp object around, too."

"Technically, I assigned you to be his security detail," Adama reminded him.

Lee just waved it off. "Lawyer, bodyguard, what's the difference?"

Choosing not to answer that, Athena said, "So, if being a Cylon doesn't matter, does that mean that we can stop looking for the final Final Five Cylon?"

Lee nodded. "Sure, just as long as they know they're a Cylon."

Athena looked confused. "Why would that matter?"

"So they don't randomly go about sabotaging the fleet à la Boomer," Lee explained.

"But when Boomer did realize she was a Cylon, the first thing she did was shoot the Old Man," Tigh pointed out.

Lee frowned. "Good point," he admitted. "We'd better figure out which of you it is then."

"Hey, what do you mean 'which of you'?" Starbuck demanded angrily.

Lee looked surprised. "Well, it can't be me. My father Is on this ship. I guess that gives him a free pass, too."

"Unless your mother had an affair!" Starbuck exclaimed.

"That still wouldn't make me a Cylon. A half-Cylon, maybe."

"The Old Man might be or, wait, you're mother might NOT have been cheating and you are a half-Cylon!"

"Then what would be so special about Hera?" Adama asked, surprisingly not phased by Kara's wild accusations.

"Well, Lee's all grown up, so he couldn't be indoctrinated into the Cylon way of thinking," Kara explained. "Or maybe Lee really is the Cylon! And that's why he's saying it doesn't matter who it is!"

"I thought we just agreed that was impossible," Lee reminded her.

"Not if at some point you were kidnapped and replaced by a Cylon!"

There was a collective groan. "Kara, by that logic ANYONE could be a Cylon," Sam told her. "And wouldn't the Cylons know if they recently replaced anyone?"

"Yeah, but if the Cylons had a chance to replace anyone and not have that be known to the human models, it'd be my father when he went to that Cylon butcher shop way before I was even born." Lee winced as his father sent him a withering glare. "Sorry, Dad. I just didn't want her to try and kill me in our sleep when we hook up agai-I mean, Kara your theory is ridiculous. Next you'll say it could be the President," Lee quickly changed the subject when he saw his estranged spouse glaring daggers at him and got the feeling that Kara's slightly-less-estranged spouse wasn't pleased, either.

"Oh, I'd better not be a Cylon," growled Roslin.

"Because then you'll have become everything you despise?" Dualla asked.

Roslin chuckled darkly. "No, because then I'd have to kill whoever programmed me to have cancer. I mean, really, you'd think machines would be immune to human diseased like that. After all, they're immune from breathing. "

"Cylon study on cancer and dying?" Starbuck suggested feebly.

"Why the frak would they do that?" Roslin snapped.

"I don't know, but the way I see it, there are only two people above suspicion, by virtue of having Cylon-babies: Cally, who's dead, and Helo," Kara announced.

"Thank you."

"I don't know, Kara. While we know that the seven regular Cylons can't have kids together, we don't know anything about the Final Five. Other than the fact they've somehow 'been to Earth', which you'd think someone might have mentioned by now, if it's even possible, they're just like the others. So why are they hidden? There must be something different about them. Maybe they can have children. Helo could still be a possibility."

"Oh stop encouraging her, Lee," Dee said irritably.

"Oh stuff it Dualla," Kara snapped. "You barely even qualify as a main character as it is. If it weren't for Billy-"

"Wait, so you think Billy was more of a main character than me?" Dualla asked, alarmed. "Why?"

"Because he had the best line ever. After the coup, when Tigh, I think, asked why he wasn't in the brig, he said, 'Because…nobody put me there.' Priceless, I tell you," Kara smiled fondly at the memory.

"Well what about Gaeta?" Dee asked.

"What about him?" Starbuck retorted.

"How is he more of a main character than me? He's not even sleeping with anyone important!"

"Duh, he managed to talk down a group of embittered witch-hunters deadest on throwing him out the airlock. That's impressive. As I was one of those witch-hunters, I'd say that's damn near miraculous."

"Kara," Helo said firmly, somewhat irritated that his humanity was being called into question for the first time ever. "You're not fooling anyone."

"About what?" Sam asked.

"Well, you're not fooling most people," Helo amended. "We all know you're just doing this because everyone still thinks you're a Cylon."

"Look, just because my ship blew up and then I came back in a different ship that looked exactly the same with no logical explanation for it is no reason to assume-" Kara began hotly.

"Kara," Sam interrupted.

"Hm?"

"If you're a Cylon, you probably wouldn't have to worry about those contraceptive shots."

"Sweet!" Starbuck cheered. "But I'm still not a Cylon."

"Maybe it's Baltar," Lee suggested. "I mean, I heard that he survived his house exploding and always hallucinates. Cylons can do that, can't they?"

"Oh please," Starbuck said dismissively. "Baltar is too crazy to be a Cylon. Plus, he was on the Cylon ship, so you'd think the Centurionswould have noticed if he was one."

"This may be a stupid question, but why can't we just find a Centurion and have all the main characters walk by it so we could tell once and for all?" Athena asked.

Silence reigned.

"You're right," Starbuck said finally. "That is a stupid question."

Tyrol glanced at his watch and jumped. "Frak! I have to go; I'm on in two minutes to listen to Tory talk about being a Cylon."

As he ran out of the room, he heard Starbuck say, "What about that lawyer guy? It could be him."


End file.
